James: When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I wanted to take every treatment for a chance at a cure. But the cancer couldn’t be cured. After being in and out of the hospital and getting very sick from the treatment, I changed my mind. My wife and I talked about stopping the treatment altogether and focusing on what I wanted most—to be comfortable at home with my family in my last days.

Cynthia: I was so glad James and I talked about this. The last time my husband had to go to the hospital, he was too sick to make his own decisions. I felt a lot of pressure when the doctors asked me to give them the OK to start a new cancer treatment. It was hard for me to say no to the doctors, and I almost agreed, but I KNEW James didn’t want the treatment.

James: I am so glad that my wife and I talked about what was important to me. And I’m so proud of her for standing up for me and for following my wishes.

Dr Thomas: Your doctors need to know who to turn to in case you can’t make your own decisions. We also need to know what gives your life meaning.

You are the expert about what quality of life means to you and this is different for each person.

The only way we can recommend the treatment that is right for you, is for you to talk to us about what is important to you in your life.

David: I was my aunt’s decision maker and she was clear that she wanted to live as long as possible. The problem was, my aunt never told the rest of my family that she chose me as a decision maker or about her medical wishes. When she got Alzheimer’s disease and her memory became really bad, she couldn’t feed herself and the doctors recommended a feeding tube.

I know everyone’s family is different, but in my case, I just wish my aunt would have at least told my siblings and I what was important to her or maybe even written it down on a form. We could have at least worked out some of the conflict ahead of time.