Phil: I have been really sick and my body is shutting down. I told my doctor that I didn’t want a breathing machine or chest compressions or anything like that to prolong my life. What is most important to me is to be comfortable. But my wife told my doctor that, as my decision maker, she would ask him to try the breathing machine if he thought it could help me stay alive, even for a few more days. The doctor was surprised and worried about this, and we all talked it through.

I could have found another decision maker who would follow my wishes exactly, but instead, I decided to give my wife total flexibility to work with my doctors to make the decisions that she feels are best for me at that time—even if these decisions are different from what I said I wanted in the past. I don’t want her to feel bad or guilty about any of the decisions she may need to make for me.

By giving her total flexibility, I hope to make things easier for her.

Cynthia: My husband is my decision maker. And I gave him some flexibility to make medical decisions for me. Some flexibility means that it is OK for him to follow my wishes as a general guide for most things. He knows I would be willing to try treatments to keep me going if the doctors think it’s best for me at the time, BUT, if I get Alzheimer’s disease, like my mom had—when my memory is gone, I can’t recognize my family and friends, and I can’t feed myself—well to me that's just not a life worth living. If that happens to me I don’t want a feeding tube. I just want to die naturally like my mom did when we finally took the feeding tube out.

My husband knows he has flexibility to make decisions about other things, but if I get Alzheimer’s disease he knows to never change my decision about a feeding tube.

Linda: My lung disease has gotten much worse, I keep getting infections, and I know my body is shutting down. I was on a breathing machine before and it just made me weaker. So, I told my family that I never want to be on a breathing machine again, AND I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I want my doctors and hospice nurses to treat me and keep me comfortable at home.

My children were upset when I talked to them about this, but because I saw my sister go through it, I know I don’t want to be kept alive on machines. I've signed papers saying this.

But I still worry that my children will try to keep me alive under any circumstances, and I don’t want that. So I told my doctor and my children that I want my wishes followed exactly, no matter what.